Losing a baby at any stage in the game is absolutely devastating. It just sucks. Period.
And sadly, it happens more often than we know or hear - 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss. 1 in 4! That means it’s very likely it’s either been a part of your story, or you know of someone who’s gone through it too. I’ve experienced it myself - twice - and know of so many others who have as well.
It may often feel difficult, even a little awkward, to know what to do or what to say during this time if a friend has gone through this. It can often be one of those weird, hidden griefs too, especially if the pregnancy hasn’t been announced yet. They may want others to acknowledge it and grieve with them, but may not want to go through the effort of breaking the news in the first place. I’ve been there!
Here are just a few ideas of some of the kindest, most practical things you can do for a friend that communicates what your heart wants to say - that you love them and are thinking of them - during this difficult time:
Drop off a meal and/or organize a meal train (gift cards/uber eats $$ are also a great idea!) - it’s hard to have to think about cooking dinner for anyone during this time. A warm, nourishing, home cooked meal can do wonders for the soul AND the body. Their body has just gone through the wringer, and is probably still bleeding, so they NEED all that same postpartum nourishment and care.
Check in regularly, ask how they’re doing, and just listen - some people will want to talk and share details, and others may not. Respect whatever it may be, following their lead, understanding that it may take some time for them to process, open up and share. Even just a quick “I’m thinking of you!” or “Sending you love!” text that doesn’t require or expect a reply can be so meaningful especially in those early days, but also just out of the blue, whenever it comes to mind (because if you’ve ever experienced grief/loss, you know it comes and goes in waves, and approaching different dates, milestones or events may trigger it all again).
Never underestimate the simple act of dropping off a coffee/tea/smoothie/treat/flowers to let them know you’re thinking of them - in the week following our first loss, my husband came home one day with a bouquet of pink flowers (something he rarely does!) in memory of our sweet babe, who we both felt was a girl, even though it was much too early to know. It immediately brought me to tears at the time, and is something I’ll never forget. Another dear friend and mentor wrote a special poem for us that I’ll treasure for the rest of my life. It honestly doesn’t have to be complicated or elaborate - a simple drop off of their favourite treat, or house plant if they’re into those, communicates volumes.
Get them a Seeded Hope necklace (or other small gift/memento for them to remember their bab(ies) with) - I absolutely love the Seeded Hope necklaces - she’s got so many different beautiful options to choose from AND she’s a Canadian maker that’s not too far from us. Her miscarriage necklaces are encapsulated forget-me-not flower seeds to remember the baby(ies) you were never able to hold. I wear mine every single day, and it’s become a special way for me to remember and honour the lives of our first two babies as I go about my day. I wore it during both of the births of my two sons, and it was such an incredible “full-circle” moment having all of my babies “there,” in a way, as I brought my sons into the world. These are such thoughtful, timeless and beautiful gifts that are SO special.
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